One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1