If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section