I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I will never stop laughing at this
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.