Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You Might Also Like
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
im 7 sauces long
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.