Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’