I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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new shirt idea
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
same energy
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions