Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
how to have an accident 101
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Mhm.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.