The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
As the Lord intended
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
When I snag the last meatball.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin