I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I feel attacked.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
who wore it better?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.