I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You Might Also Like
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”