Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much