“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*