WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone