[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog