It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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Social Media and Real life
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
tourist season
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding