her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.