not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar