Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Important
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?