(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Is this a threat?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?