I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.