All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….