They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*