If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.