My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)