I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
how it started vs how it ended
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.