Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do