Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”