Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.