My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
This took me a second..
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.