Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Growing out my freckles.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.