On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
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any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
yeah 😭
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy