Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!