Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I saw nothing
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay