[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“I’m helping” 😅
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit