Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
dutch is not a serious language
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.