We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.