The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.