Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that