her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
You Might Also Like
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Breaking news:
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.