I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.