If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
This did not end as expected.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger