Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB