Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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How to make infinite energy.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.