I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.