Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
LA today:
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Lube but for my dry humor.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
kitchen magnet
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what