How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Hank is one in a melon.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do