Never forget.
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it