My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.