A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile