I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
😂😂
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this